I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
