I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he fucked my hip out of place.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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