i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
