he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
