I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
