life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
