Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
