My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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