i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We are all done wearing pants today
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I party with great urgency now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize