She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
