New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
