I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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