people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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