we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
