the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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