6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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