im drinking this country out of the recession.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize