I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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