I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
