broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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