Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
