so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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