Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
