Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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