My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
