Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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