doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
