my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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