at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
