That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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