how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
