This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
