"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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