Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
