i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
