What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
