Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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