Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize