Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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