the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
