Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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