My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
