my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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