Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
