You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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