jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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