wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
