Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
