someone get that fucking seahorse.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
