i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
