Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
