Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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