for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
