Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
