Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize