how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
