I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
