I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
