Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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