he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
