Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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