Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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