Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
