Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
