I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
