McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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