Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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