He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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