Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Vodka?
Forever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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