why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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