u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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